


A Saintly Love

by Slaaneshi_Author



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Implied Relationships, Light Angst, Love Confessions, POV Alternating, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:08:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21763501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slaaneshi_Author/pseuds/Slaaneshi_Author
Summary: Saint. Maiden. Servant. Jeanne was all of these things and a woman in love. But her love wasn’t right, she was certain. Even as her heart tore itself apart, she couldn’t help but love her Master.
Relationships: Jeanne d'Arc | Ruler/Fujimaru Ritsuka
Comments: 9
Kudos: 36





	1. Chapter 1

Was it wrong for a saint to love, I wonder? Ponder it as I might, I could not think of an answer that satisfied me. Indeed, no other Saint that I could recall could claim a spouse of their own. Prayer offered no answers either, nor did consulting my fellow Servants offer much insight. Save for some jealous glares from a handful of women (I have since tried to avoid being seen by Kiyohime after she threatened to burn my clothes to “see how saintly I would be naked”). When I was alive, I had thought I knew love, but I ran off to war to follow the Lord’s will and left the people I loved behind.

The thought gave me pause, stopping me in the middle of the hallway of Chaldea that I’d been roaming. If I had left my family, would I do the same to him now? Inevitably, yes, the purpose we Servants served Ritsuka would be fulfilled and we would go away. And when it was done, he would be left behind by all of the friends and loved ones he had garnered. “And none of us will remember him if we are summoned again.” I muttered to myself, the thought itself deeply unnerving me. I didn’t want to forget Ritsuka, he was too dear a friend, and the man I was hopelessly in love with.

There were just too many negatives to justify pursuing him romantically. Even if I did approach him, if we all left he would be alone with no one except Mash. My heart clenched once more as I remembered the pink haired Demi Servant, I knew she held a candle for our shared Master. Yet here I was, fretting over if it was proper to love him myself.

How in the wrong was I right now, I began to think as my armor clad feet continued their previous journey. A maiden saint that was in love with a mortal man who also was the target of affections from at least four other women. Perhaps it was best to simply set my own emotions aside, to let another take their place at his side, I reasoned, that way he and another at least would be happy too.

A sound of frustration escaped me when I shook my head to rid myself of those thoughts. “Why must love be so complicated?” I groaned aloud, thankful that the halls were empty; the last thing I needed was anyone seeing me in such a state. Especially my...’other’ self. I suppressed a shudder at the thought of how she would react to this. Probably in disgust and revulsion, so at least she wouldn’t be any more trouble than she already was. I needed to distract myself, to get my mind off of the human. But how could I, when everything in Chaldea in some way would bring him to the forefront of my mind?

“Maybe I should talk to him.” I reasoned, turning around to go back the way I came. “If I air these feelings out, maybe we can come to an understanding.” I wasn’t too confident in my own reasoning but it was all I could think of, short of hiding away from him. Not that it would work, in all likelihood; absence made the heart grow fonder, after all.

I quickly traversed the halls of Chaldea, navigating toward Ritsuka’s room and thankful I didn’t come across anyone else. It was nearing the time for Christmas celebrations, so everyone was no doubt making plans and decorating the more traversed areas. But that was fine, I didn’t need anyone else knowing what was going through my head or the pain my heart was going through. I wasn’t sure how long it took me, but I arrived at Ritsuka’s room far sooner than I really felt comfortable with. I took a steadying breath and held a hand up, knocking on it quietly yet each knock sounded like a bell that sealed my fate in some way.

“Master? Are you there?” I called out when I heard no response, but again received no answer. Frowning a little, I tried the door to find it unlocked. I opened the door to see the room was dim with the only light that was on was a single desk lamp. I slowly stepped in, looking around for Ritsuka but I saw no sign of him. His bed was made, his desk was neat and seemed untouched, his room was spotless save for several small decorations. I even recognized a few that he had pointed out to me before; a French army banner from my time hung above his bed, supposedly acquired from a Singularity I had not been around for, a red rose he had been given by Nero in Rome residing in a small vase on his desk (I tried not to think too much on the reasoning for that particular gift), a picture in a frame resting on his bedside table, and several others no doubt acquired from his many friends among Servants.

Coming further into the room, a large, decorated rug laying in the middle and providing some warmth and color in the otherwise metallic room. My frown only deepened when I saw there was no light coming from his attached bathroom indicating he wasn’t currently here. In fact, if it wasn’t for the way his scent lingered in the room or the decorations, I would have thought this room was unoccupied entirely. Crossing the room to his bed, morbid curiosity guiding me to the picture that seemed to have some special significance to him to have been residing near his bed.

I told myself I shouldn’t be snooping, it was ill-fitting of a maiden and a Saint both, but my curiosity was overwhelming. For a man who was both honest and open about himself, he did not reveal many details about his life before Chaldea. Besides, the only Servant to really go into his room very often was Mash herself, so this was a rare chance to see the Ritsuka that only she saw, selfish as it was. Reaching his bedside table and picking up the frame, I tilted it for the light to get a better look at it, only for my heart to skip and my body to freeze.

The picture was one taken the year prior during a trip to a beach Ritsuka had taken with several other Servants, myself included. And the picture itself was of me, strikingly reminiscent of a magazine or swimsuit model emerging from the water, the sunset in the background and the dolphin I had befriended leaving the shoreline. I could only stare at it in confusion, why, of all pictures he most likely had, did he choose this one? Was it purely out of lust, given how much the white one-piece I had worn clung to me, or was it something else? I lowered myself to sit on his bed, staring at the picture intently as if I could divine the reasoning for keeping this particular picture from it.

I could only vaguely recall when the photo was taken, having not thought much about it at the time. Ritsuka had taken pictures all throughout the trip of anything he thought would be of note, as he often did during their sporadic and few vacation times, so him taking a photo of me hadn’t seemed suspect. Did he take the photo on a lark or had he waited for a chance to take one like this? More questions I didn’t have the answer for, and more questions that made me feel dizzy and my heart to pound like a war drum. “Ritsuka, why do you do this to me?” I sighed, brushing my fingers along the surface of the frame with care. I had hoped coming here would settle me, that, in some small way, he didn’t feel the same as I did and I could put this behind me.

I heard movement outside of his room, the door thankfully having closed after I entered, and I quickly put the picture back in its place on the nightstand. I was thankful for my nature as a Spirit in that instant, as it was only because of it that I was able to cross the room quickly enough so that I was now at the door. I began reaching to open the door, but genuinely jumped in surprise when it opened before I could, revealing the equally surprised face of Ritsuka. “Jeanne? What, uh...what were you doing in my room?”

My cheeks colored quickly, mortified of what might have happened if he’d come in to see me with the picture in hand. In the back of my mind, I noticed he was wearing his arctic uniform, lending him a rugged and militaristic air. “W-Well I-I’d come in to see if you were in, that’s all.” I smiled as best I could, but I could feel how shaky it was. My nervousness grew when Ritsuka raised an eyebrow but calmed just as quickly when he smiled.

“Sorry, Mordred wanted to spar with me all of a sudden.” He laughed, and I could see the faint marks of what looked like marks left by a training sword on his arms. I visibly winced at the thought of him being subjected to the Saber, even in training she left no quarter and was brutal no matter who she was with. “So...what’s up?” Ritsuka asked after a few moments of awkward silence, and I realized the onus was on me to continue.

I felt another burst of panic as my doubt and uncertainty set in again now that I was faced with the moment. “I...um, I wanted to...” Could I say it right now? Could I confess right at that moment to the man I pined for? I took a shuddering breath and was about to speak, looking up to face him when I noticed a certain pink haired girl behind him, a small, familiar creature hanging onto her shoulder. As soon as our eyes locked, I could tell she knew why I was there; was it her intuition or was I that painfully obvious? Either way, with a pained and heavy heart, I realized I couldn’t, not with her there. “I’m sorry, it’s nothing.” I shook my head quickly before running past him, ignoring his and Mash’s calls for me.

I was so close! If I hadn’t seen Mash behind him, I would have said it! Those thoughts hounded me as I raced through the corridors, trying to run from them just as much as Ritsuka and Mash. What had I been thinking, going to his room like that?! What could I have possibly said that would make me appeal to him when he had another so close to him at all times?

Nothing. I could do nothing, so I did...nothing.

* * *

“Jeanne seemed really upset, Senpai.” Mash was concerned about our friend, and honestly I was too. “Did...you didn’t do anything lewd toward her did you, Senpai?” She narrowed her eyes a little behind her glasses while Fou trilled at me accusingly from her shoulder. Little, furry traitor.

“I haven’t done a thing, Mash.” I sighed before sitting on my bed, my closest friend seating herself at my desk and giving Fou the chance to jump onto the empty workspace. “Hell, I haven’t known what to do with her ever since...” My gaze turned to the picture on my nightstand, the picture that made me realize how I felt about the Ruler.

“Well...maybe you should say something to her?” Mash adjusted her glasses so they sat a bit higher up her nose. “Isn’t...that what people in love do?”

I laughed at that, a bitter sound now that I thought about it. “Mash, I wish it was that easy.” I smiled sadly and tore my gaze away from the picture to look at her. “But what would I even say? She’s a maiden, a Saint, and I’m just a normal human, number of contracts I’ve made not-withstanding.” I couldn’t help but sigh again, burying my head in my gloved hands. I hated feeling like this, this self-depreciating feeling that always seemed to come around when I tried to envision approaching Jeanne. She loved the Lord with all her heart, her legend confirmed as much, and I was nowhere near the level of any deity in any sense, so how could I?

Mash remained silent for a few moments before I heard the rustling of fabric and movement coming from her direction. I jumped a little when the bed sagged beside me and thin arms looked around me from the left. “Tell her you love her, Senpai.” She muttered, laying her head on my shoulder. “It’s the only way to see what would happen.”

I couldn’t help a chuckle from escaping and I placed a hand on Mash’s head. “When did you get so wise about love?”

“I don’t know.” She answered into my shoulder. “I...am just saying what I believe.” She tightened her hug and I wrapped my left arm around her in response, not having any words for her. Maybe she was right, and I could just tell her how I feel, how I’ve felt.

Maybe I was an idiot for it, but what did I have to lose?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, what’s wrong with me? Actually, don’t answer that. I had to write and rewrite this multiple times before I decided to go down this route instead of what I had originally planned. Hope it turned out alright, but it may be a little bit before I post the next chapter.  
> Turns out I have some heart problems that I need to get looked at, so that’s going to take some time away, and I would really rather not write while on meds.  
> Sorry about all this, but I’ll be back as soon as possible. And this news came in the week I got Abigail Williams and Nezha in my first rolls with summon tickets...gotta take the good with the bad, right?


	2. Chapter 2

“Hey Jeanne.”

Never had two words sent such a multitude of powerful emotions coursing through me in a single instant. Surprise from being snuck up on. Warmth from my name being uttered by the voice belonging to the man I loved. Pain as my heart clenched when I reminded myself he was taken. Panic when I realized he had finally caught up with me after several days of avoiding him. Fear of the repercussions of me running from him in his room the month prior.

I slowly turned around, I had been walking carefully through a hall in the hopes of avoiding Ritsuka but there he was. Standing a few feet behind me was the very man I had been doing my damndest to hide from, looking about as nervous as I most assuredly felt. “A-Ah, h-Hello Master.” I cleared my throat quietly and straightened my back. There was no sense in appearing a frightened mouse before the man I loved, even if I wanted nothing more than to vanish into my Spirit form.

“Hi...” Ritsuka said again, his eyes rising to meet mine. “How...how have you been?” How could he sound so casual even when as nervous and tense as he was? It frustrated me,to say the absolute least.

Still, I couldn’t give in to my desires, to flee or latch my lips on to his and let consequences be damned. I was not nearly brave enough for either. So I opted for the only real route available to me. “I-I am...well e-enough I suppose.” I replied, trying to get my voice to steady out to avoid stuttering. It was remarkably difficult to do, since my eyes were locked onto his and thus making it harder than it rightfully should be!

“Well that’s good to hear.” Ritsuka swallowed nervously and his calm facade was cracked. If anything, I was simply glad I was not the only one very visibly anxious between the two of us, as horrible a thought as that was in retrospect. “I was worried since...well you’ve been hiding from me.”

My heart lurched. He noticed. Of course he had, I had never purposefully made myself scarce before so it had to have been painfully obvious. “I...I don’t...” I yelled internally at myself to think, but try as I might, nothing came. I looked away and once more I felt the temptation to flee. Yet if I did, Ritsuka would surely pursue and the longing I felt for him would grow even more. As it stood now, it was nearly too much to bear and I wanted to throw my vow and chastity aside for even a kiss.

How saintly of me.

“I have no excuse.” I could only answer despondently. I was trapped and I could not see a way out, so I resolved to take the plunge. “I don’t know what else to do, Master. I am stuck and I had no other recourse.” I knew I wasn’t making sense, not really, but matters of the heart rarely do as I had come to discover.

“What do you mean?”

“I...I desire something forbidden to myself.” I had to bow my head to hide my face and shame even as I prayed this would be over quickly.

“So it’s...one of your vows?” Ritsuka, sharp as ever it seemed.

“Y-Yes. This vow was...my devotion to the Lord.” I heard his breathing hitch when I spoke of it, yet I wasn’t sure what to make of the action. So I marshaled on, I was at the crossroads of life once more, I could not falter now. Two avenues were before me. One I had walked in life, the path to serve God and his Will, to swear myself to Him, the path that ended in my being burned at the stake. The other I had turned my back on before, the path to love and happiness with another, one I knew that Gilles wished for me, loyal friend that he was.

How often did I ponder on this very choice before? How many times did I ask myself ‘what if I had not gone to war’? I had lost track some time ago, yet here came the chance to make a different choice. But could I?

“I am in love...” I choked out at last, I had to explain at least this much if not who I was in love with. “But the man I love is...committed to another.” I choked at that, it still hurt to envision Mash and Ritsuka so closely, it felt like I was being set aflame again. I had never thought jealousy to be a quality I had, but I was suspicious that this is what it felt like.

Ritsuka doesn’t even know what he’s done to me, how much I have changed because of him. How much I would change for him.

A sinister thought slithered it’s way through my mind; would I embrace my dark side, my Avenger self, if it would make him happy?

Yes I would. Without hesitation.

“I...I understand Jeanne.” Ritsuka’s voice...it sounded filled with sorrow. Was it sorrow for me, my circumstances? It was likely, he was an empathetic individual and felt the pain of his friends as keenly as his own. “I wonder who that man is, to have captured your heart. He must be special.” He murmured, yet he had no idea how correct he was. The man I loved was indeed special, without question.

I brought an arm over my stomach to grip the gauntlet of my other arm, whether in some weak form of self defense or to reaffirm my own actions I knew not. “He...he is special indeed. So much so that I...want to throw aside my vow for yo-“ I clamped my mouth shut as the word spilled out, but the damage had been done. Ritsuka had not moved yet, but there was no doubting that he heard my words. I found myself wishing I had better control over myself when I was flustered, albeit not for the first time since I realized my feelings for my Master.

Finally, after countless seconds that dragged on, Ritsuka spoke, “Jeanne...you love me...?” Foolish, I should have kept a tighter control over my thoughts. Untrusting of my own voice I simply nodded and got a self-depreciating chuckle from him in return. “Ah...and here I was ready to give up when you said you loved someone in a relationship.” I looked up in surprise, meeting his mirthful gaze with questions of my own polluting and clouding up my mind. He stopped his chuckling when his eyes met mine and raised an eyebrow at me. “What’s with that look?”

“What-aren’t you and Mash together?” I couldn’t help but blurt out, my curiosity swiftly rising.

Ritsuka frowned and leaned back a little. “Where did you hear that?” His voice put me off, the seriousness it held was almost foreign coming from his mouth.

I shuffled in place a little and resisted looking away from him. If I wanted to know the truth about him and Mash, even if Ritsuka lied with his words, his eyes would be honest. They always were when he tried to lie. “You two...you are just so close all of the time. And when I was looking for you the other day she...she was quite close to you, she always is.” I swallowed nervously when I saw a strange look flash through his eyes, my heart spiking in anxiety. Were my fears true?

“That...ah, this’ll take a while to explain...” He sighed and folded his arms over his chest. “Can we talk in my room? I’ll make tea for us.”

* * *

Silence reigned Ritsuka’s room after he finished speaking. I couldn’t help but stare at my mug of now lukewarm tea, trying to process everything he had just explained about him and Mash. Their relationship was so...unorthodox, so alien to me. They weren’t “together” as I had first thought but were in an informal relationship, one formed from the stress and pressures of constant battles.

Was that really so strange though? I had read a small number of novels with two characters who would give in to desire during a high-stress situation, so it wasn’t that far-fetched. Even so, Ritsuka admitted that he did care for Mash as more than a simple partner which only further complicated matters. To add more confusion on top of that, he knew Mash loved him dearly, she had sacrificed herself and died for him after all.

“So....that’s it.” Ritsuka’s voice drew me from my thoughts and I looked up at him. He was sitting on his bed while I was at his desk, him having suggested the arrangement that put space between us in an attempt to put me at ease. An attempt I greatly appreciated even though I wanted to be near him.

“I...never expected this.” I admitted, taking a sip of the tea and wincing at the taste. Cool tea was not very appealing. “I was preparing myself for you to confirm that you and Mash were together, I had thought she held your heart.”

Ritsuka chuckled at that, dark humor permeating his voice. “Yeah, you and everyone else too it looks like.” Something about that was humorous to him, maybe it was that everyone assumed he loved her in return? But that meant...did he truly not?

“I am sorry Master. For assuming such a thing.” Had I known the truth, that would have eliminated half of my heartache. That would have made me feel at least a little better about loving him, even if my vows were still a large part of my obstruction.

“Don’t worry about it. Thinking on it, I can see why people think Mash and I would end up together. But no, as much as I care for her, she doesn’t have the most important place in my heart. She knows that though, we both know where we are in the other’s hearts.” Callous sounding as it was, I was unsure of what to make of his words. Ritsuka paused to finish his own tea and set his mug beside his picture.

I stared at it after his movement drew my eye, focusing on it as my thoughts from before returned. Why did he have it in such a place? It held some significance to him, why else would it be by his bed? I worked up my nerve, I was here so I might as well ask and get it out of the way. “Master...why do you have that picture?”

Ritsuka looked back at me and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “Ah...well...” He bit the inside of his cheek in thought, mulling something over in his mind before I saw his eyes harden. He had come to a decision about something. “You know, I never really gave you an answer, back in the hall.” Puzzlement met his words, a frown emerging on my face as I tried to think on what he meant. I didn’t recall asking him any questions that would pertain to the picture, or was he simply stalling? “When you let slip you loved me, I didn’t reply.” His clarification brought another blush to my cheeks, I really didn’t want to think about that. “But now seems as good a time as any, since it’s the reason I have the picture.”

Ritsuka stood up from the bed and quickly crossed the room before falling to one knee before me. I was frozen in his chair, my eyes refusing to leave him for even an instant when he moved. A man kneeling before a woman could mean many things, I had witnessed such occurrences several times when I rode with the French army and each time the man beseeched the woman in question for her favor. Was this what Ritsuka was planning, to dapple in that archaic practice and ask for my favor? Why though, when he knew of my feelings for him; asking for my favor at such a point would be redundant.

He looked up at me slowly, his eyes burning with fire that had guided him through many a dangerous circumstances in the past. “Jeanne D’Arc, Saintly Maiden of Orleans. I say this now from the bottom of my heart, even if I should have admitted this to you long before; I love you Jeanne. I ask of you though, will you have me?”

A crash sounded in the room, yet it seemed so distant. Dimly, I registered that my hands were empty now as well, but caring about that was the furthest thing from my mind at present. He loved me. Ritsuka Fujimaru loved me. The thought sent tremors of indescribable joy through me even as I somberly realized that now I had to make my decision.

Our feelings were in the open now, his relationship with Mash was clear to me, my vows still held me back from saying yes. Vows were not to be broken lightly, yet was Ritsuka not worth the consequences? I had no desire to be labeled a Saint and if that were to be taken from me then so be it, but would I still be here in Chaldea? Would the Lord punish me for turning my back on my sacred oaths in such a way? I kept asking if it was worth it, if he was worth it, a question I had already asked myself innumerable times in the past.

I had my answer though, and the answer I would give him to his question. I dropped from the chair, my arms thrown around him as I fell into his kneeling form. He caught me quickly, most likely acting on reflex as I saw his obvious confusion, and I buried my face into his shoulder. “Yes!” I whispered as I felt tears form in my eyes. “Yes, yes, a thousand times and more, yes!” My arms went tight around him, his own going around my waist after a moment. My joy rose to new heights as he pulled me into him, his scent, his presence surrounding me like the oceans waters.

Ritsuka started to laugh against me, the sound like music that would put Mozart’s to shame. He pulled his head away from me, moving me away his shoulder and placing a hand against my cheek. “Jeanne as happy as I am, are you sure? Your vows...”

Of course he would care about that when I am in his arms, love confessed and both of us giddy as could be. “I know...and God forgive me, but I will break them for you.” My heart pounded inside my chest as I uttered those words and Ritsuka’s eyes grew wide at my declaration. I didn’t give him a chance to respond, adrenaline urging me forward and capturing his lips against mine.

His lips were wonderful against my own, a hint of roughness about them from being chapped I assumed. After a second, he began moving against me, returning the kiss with an eager passion I was unprepared for. Was this truly happening or was it simply a dream, I tried to think when we broke our kiss but my thoughts were robbed from me once more when we began anew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I had more planned for this chapter but I felt better about splitting it and posting the lewdness next chapter so I could focus on that. Saying that though, I can’t help but feel like this chapter is unsatisfying.
> 
> As for Ritsuka and Mash, flame me if you want but I’ve always felt like the two of them would eventually cross that line even if Ritsuka loves someone else. Love is complicated, yeah? I do have a small fic upcoming for Mash, but there’s no telling when that’ll be done. Ugh, my attention span.

**Author's Note:**

> Ah, what’s wrong with me? Actually, don’t answer that. I had to write and rewrite this multiple times before I decided to go down this route instead of what I had originally planned. Hope it turned out alright, but it may be a little bit before I post the next chapter.  
> Turns out I have some heart problems that I need to get looked at, so that’s going to take some time away, and I would really rather not write while on meds.  
> Sorry about all this, but I’ll be back as soon as possible. And this news came in the week I got Abigail Williams and Nezha in my first rolls with summon tickets...gotta take the good with the bad, right?


End file.
